I'm not sure how to even state this properly or begin to talk about the insane things happening in our life. But I will say that at the root of it all, we have a wonderful friend family. Everyone who has been there, trust me it has meant more than you know.
I still live in shut down mode and though we had an awesome time with our friends who just visited, my head wasn't 100% in it. At the back of my mind there is always a "what's going to happen next??" "what will slap us in the face this time??" I can't function properly anymore. I have to drink, I have to plant, I have to do half assed crafts and redecorate my space when I should be writing or working or cleaning. I don't feel like a good adult/friend/partner. I feel like a hermit and a sad girl. And it's all stemming from someone who doesn't even live in this damn state. Who has ruined vacations and weekends and parties and doesn't even realize the pain they've caused. Nothing is fair anymore and I'm sick of it.
I sit in my house an squander away the hours of my life instead of being outside and seeing the world and the people that I love. I'm always in here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate it, and I'm sorry if you think I've just been being a bad friend, I haven't done it on purpose. I have to self preserve myself alone in here so that eventually when this is all over, I come out head held high and ready to be 100% happy.
Hope that's fucking soon though.
Keep on, keepin' on,
M.
